You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
