I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
