I hate all girls vehemently.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I want to be your penis for a week.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
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