worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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