Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Your tits are I can't wait for
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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