My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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