You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
