Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
