hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
