Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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