Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
So vagazzling was a success
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
