my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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