Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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