Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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