Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
We need a shit load of segways right now
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
