is your mom at the bar?
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
