get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I could fuck to npr.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
