you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
There r osticjed everywhere
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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