I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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