she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
