I wish I could teleport
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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