At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
