im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
