Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
