I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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