I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
