I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
