cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
