now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
