I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
