Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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