Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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