Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
