Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
