There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
