K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
