It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Randomize
