i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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