i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
