OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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