Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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