I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
