Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
