The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
