My Higher Power is John Stamos
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
my liver is dry heaving
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