The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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