News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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