my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Randomize
