I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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