my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Randomize
